I just spent the weekend with the love of my youth.  I  have been holding on to her as a vestige of the past and perhaps as a way to prolong growing up or postpone having to redefing myself.  Or another way to put it is that looking to her as my future partner was holding me in some skin she sees me in that no longer fits but that I am afraid to finally shed.  I must shed this skin to truly find love; to find someone that knows how I need to be loved.   Right? 

Two nights ago, we were sleeping in her bed and in the middle of the night, she got up to let the cat out and when she came back to bed I put my hand on her knee.  She immediately asked me if I had room to scoot over because I was crowding her.  I spent the rest of the night trying to cram into my corner of the bed and give her space.  I didn’t sleep much.  In the morning I booked a hotel.  We had a talk.  After all the confusing ins and outs of our many different relationships, she finally told me out right (again) that, though she loves me and sees me as family, she doesn’t love me romantically.  

This time I am taking it and running with it.  I understand the root of her feeling even if she doesn’t or won’t put it into words for me.  Though I couldn’t say this to her, I believe it is all about sex.  The power dynamic was shifted in the past so that I was thoroughly emasculated in her presence (this based on my low self-esteem and groveling and carrying on).  Now, I feel more confident in myself— even when around her, but in a way, the precedent has been set and is nearly impossible to overturn.  

For several years, when we have spent time together, it has mostly been in her world— with her friends, at her apartment, etc.  The rare occasions when we have spent time in my world— with my friends, at my shows, etc.—have often ended up in physical affection…Hmm…I think she must only be attracted to me in my natural state.  Never a good look to be a majestic free bird with a hell of a wingspan trying to cram one’s self into a woman’s purse.  Fuck that.  Better to put her on your back and soar the heavens…But seriously, I guess if I can’t figure out how to be myself in her space, maybe it just ain’t meant to be.

On top of that, even when we have been physical, I was unable to give her the proper D because of my ill health (the precious limited red blood cells favor the brain and lungs over less vital extremities).  And when I was younger and healthy and with her (years ago), I was a sexual imp.  Not that I’m a stud in my current years (I have always had some difficulty knowing where to go with things in the bedroom…too much in my head maybe), but I at least have more control of myself.  I’m not sure what my blood count is at the moment but I am only now starting to get a portion of my sex drive back.  I will use it for good and not for evil—repeat…I will use it for good and not for evil.  Good.

Anyway, it is time I move on and move forward with a life in which she doesn’t occupy the background of my heart as a ‘maybe some day’ scenario.  I am ready to open myself up to loving someone else.  I know there is someone out there who I can love and who can love me how I need to be loved.

This wonderful woman will remain my friend and I hope we can stay close, though we will have to learn how to interact with a new sense of boundaries.  We have a naggy/old-married-couple rapport— the kind of thing that really only works if you have mega-intimacy to counteract it. 

Anyway, you know what time it is:  time to throw on an old Belle and Sebastian tune and have have a good cleansing and transformational cry.

alexandramazing:

These two pugs are Galie and Puddles. They’ve been at the Oregon Humane Society for the better part of the month. Both have them have been surrendered together with severe medical conditions. They have both had many abscesses removed Puddles is severely underweight while Galie could use…